Privilege

After my last blog post, I really got to thinking about what I'd written and realized that I hadn't hit upon a very important point.  I am privileged and I didn't talk about that in my previous post.  I wrote about the times that I had been judged because of the color of my skin and how people have made assumptions about me due to being fair skinned, but I did not talk about how being light has also provided me with a certain amount of privilege.  

Because I look white, I do not get followed when I am shopping in a store, I am not assumed to be "up to something" when I am walking down the street, I blend in.  I can fly under the radar, and as an introvert, that is what I usually do.  Yes, I identify as Karuk (my tribe) but I don't go yelling it from the roof tops or telling every person I meet on the street.  This means that I am assumed to be white and left alone pretty much all the time.  When I have been pulled over by police, it was because I was actually doing something wrong (speeding 😬, and it has been many years now since my last one).  I've never gotten out of a ticket, but at least they are usually polite about giving it to me.  I've never been asked to step out of my vehicle or had my vehicle searched.  I've never had a gun pointed at me when I am digging for my vehicle registration or insurance card.  When I call the police for help, they respond and try to help.  

I am privileged because I can pass as white.  It isn't my preference and I have always wished that I looked more Native so that I wouldn't be doubted or denied my ancestry, but it has also made living in predominantly white cities much easier.  I was never called racial slurs or put down because of having brown skin.  I have always been keenly aware that my skin color is both a blessing and a curse.  In Native communities it is more of a curse because blood quantum and skin color have been forced upon us as the qualifying factors for whether you are Indian or not.  No other race is required to document their blood quantum in order to identify with their racial ancestry.  Outside of Native communities, my skin color has been a blessing because I blend in and look like what has been "normalized" as American.    

Basically, I wanted to correct my previous post by saying that I know that I am prvileged.  I know that my life has been easier because of the color of my skin.  It isn't right, it isn't fair, and it should no longer be acceptable.  It never should have been acceptable for people with light skin to be treated so differently than people with brown skin.  We can't change the past, but we MUST learn from it.  We must teach about it and teach our students what they can do to make our society, our nation, and our world better.  

Learning to Do Better

I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I was 8 years old.  At the time, I had a wonderful teacher who made me feel special, loved, and excited about learning.  I always enjoyed school, but that year I decided that I wanted to grow up and be just like her.  As I got older, I had other teachers who made strong impressions on me and showed me more reasons why I should pursue that profession and what kind of teacher I wanted to be.  I also had teachers who taught me about what I DIDN'T want to be, of course.  

One such teacher, although great in many other ways, discounted my race because I didn't look "Indian enough."  Because I didn't fit into his stereotypical image of what and Indian should look like, there was no way I could be one.  This completely discounted my family history, my upbringing, my culture, and my spirituality.  He wasn't the first or the only one to say such things to me throughout my life, but I at least knew that when I was on the river with my people, there was no doubt, there was no pressure to be anything but myself.  On the river, people knew me, knew my family, and knew I was one of them.  It always felt like home because I just fit.  

Thankfully, I finally did move to the river when I was in my mid-twenties after all of my schooling and some work in the big city in Oregon.  I get to teach kids whose culture I am a part of.  I get to teach kids who both look like me and some who don't.  I get to include our culture in the classroom and I am very fortunate to be in such a place.  

BUT, not all my kids are Native.  Not all my kids have the same kind of background that I do.  Everyday, I am faced with the fact that there is so much more that needs to be done in our community to raise strong, healthy, and productive members of society.  I also realize that my own outlook has been clouded by the fact that I teach mostly Indian kids on and Indian Reservation.  We are so isolated here, that it is even MORE important that I expose my students to the realities of our Nation's problems.  I need to do a better job of teaching about the systemic racism, not only towards Native people, but towards Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, etc.  Without teaching about all races on a regular basis in my classroom, many of my students may grow up to enter a world that they know too little about.  They may grow up to think of those "others" as somehow different or inferior because they don't know enough about them.  

Basically, what I am realizing is that I need to do better.  I have been researching a lot of books lately for talking about race with kids and am looking forward to the conversations I can have with my students this next year.  I have made several Book Rooms with links to some of these books on Youtube and book lists to shop from.  If you are interested in checking any of these out, you can use the links below.

https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Bitmoji-Book-Room-to-Facilitate-Conversations-About-Race-and-Racism-5644524

https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Strong-African-American-Women-Bitmoji-Book-Room-5648699

https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/African-American-Childrens-Stories-Bitmoji-Book-Room-5656864

We are Water Protectors by Carole Lindstrom

Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman

White Flour by David LaMotte

Soccer Fence by Phil Bildner

Let's Talk About Race by Julius Lester

Shining Star by Paul Yoo

Separate is Never Equal by Duncan Tonatiuh

My Hair is a Garden by Cozbi A. Cabrera

Viola Desmond Won't be Budged! by Jody Nyasha Warner

When I Was Eight by Christy Jordan-Fenton and Margaret Pokiak-Fenton

The Day You Begin by Jacqueline Woodson

I am Not a Number by Dr. Jenny Kay Dupuis and Kathy Kacer

Ruth and the Green Book by Calvin Alexander Ramsey and Gwen Strauss

Something Happened in Our Town by Marianne Celano PhD, Marietta Collins PhD, & Ann Hazzard PhD

Back of the Bus by Aaron Reynolds

I am Rosa Parks by Brad Meltzer

Firebird by Misty Copeland

A Dance Like Starlight by Kristy Dempsey and Floyd Cooper

Lily Brown’s Paintings by Angela Johnson

Just like Josh Gibson by Angela Johnson

The Hula-Hoopin’ Queen by Thelma Lynne Godin

The Youngest Marcher by Cynthia Levinson

The Princess and the Pea by Rachel Isadora

Happy to be Nappy by Bell Hooks

Mixed Me! by Taye Diggs

Full, Full, Full of Love by Trish Cooke

Ruby Bridges: My True Story by Ruby Bridges

Henry’s Freedom Box by Ellen Lavine

Light in the Darkness by Lesa Cline-Ransome

Juneteenth for Mazie by Floyd Cooper

Princess Hair by Sharee Miller

Let the Children March by Monica Clark Robinson

Crown: An Ode to the Fresh Cut by Derrick Barnes

I Am Enough by Grace Byers

The Big Bed by Bunmi Laditan

Grandma’s Purse by Vanessa Brantley-Newton

Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People’s Ears by Verna Aardema

As an Amazon Associate, I may receive compensation for qualifying purchases at no extra cost to you.

Fishy Book Room

I've created a new book room to share with you.  This one is all about fish!  Each book links to a Youtube video of it being read aloud.  Enjoy!

You can purchase these books from Amazon through the links below.  Make sure to also check out your locally owned bookstores for copies as well.  

The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister

Mister Seahorse by Eric Carle

The Pout Pout Fish by Deborah Deisen

Fish is Fish by Leo Lionni

A Fish Out of Water by Helen Palmer

The Bravest Fish by Matt Buckingham

Not Norman: A Goldfish Story by Kelly Bennett

What’s it Like to be a Fish by Wendy Pfeffer

One Fish Two Fish by Dr. Seuss

As an Amazon Associate, I may receive compensation from qualifying purchases.

Classroom Read Alouds to Facilitate Conversations About Race

Here is a collection of books that will help you facilitate discussions with your children or students around race, discrimination, social injustice, and prejudice.  In order for us to make a change in the way our society has viewed and accepted racism for so long, we need to start teaching our children to recognize it and how to fight against it.  Having open discussions about it is a starting place instead of sweeping it under the rug because the topic makes you feel uncomfortable.  Accepting that horrible things have happened and continue to happen to people due to the color of their skin will help you to see the need for change.  This isn't just a part of our history, it is part of our present.  

Use these books to start a conversation with your children.  They are not stand alone lessons.  Watch and listen to these videos together.  Take time to pause and address questions.  Have an open discussion with your kids afterwards about how these stories relate to what is happening today and what each of us can do to make a change.  If you don't know how to answer a question, be honest.  Grown ups don't always have all the answers, and that is okay.  Do some research and get back to your child.  

Let's teach this next generation to be better.  To be more accepting.  To be less prejudiced.  Let's make our world a better place for people of color because then it will be better for everyone.  

Some of these books have additonal resources in them that you don't get from a Youtube read aloud.  If you are interested in purchasing them, here are the names and links to buy them on Amazon.  I'd also like to encourage you to purchase them from a small and local bookstore if you are able to.

We are Water Protectors by Carole Lindstrom

Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman

White Flour by David LaMotte

Soccer Fence by Phil Bildner

Let's Talk About Race by Julius Lester

Shining Star by Paul Yoo

Separate is Never Equal by Duncan Tonatiuh

My Hair is a Garden by Cozbi A. Cabrera

Viola Desmond Won't be Budged! by Jody Nyasha Warner

When I Was Eight by Christy Jordan-Fenton and Margaret Pokiak-Fenton

The Day You Begin by Jacqueline Woodson

I am Not a Number by Dr. Jenny Kay Dupuis and Kathy Kacer

Ruth and the Green Book by Calvin Alexander Ramsey and Gwen Strauss

Something Happened in Our Town by Marianne Celano PhD, Marietta Collins PhD, & Ann Hazzard PhD

As an Amazon Associate, I may earn from qualifying purchases.

Classroom Read Alouds for Distance Learning

I've been having a lot of fun creating Bitmoji rooms for my class to interact with during distance learning.  This one links to Youtube videos of each of the books being read aloud by a variety of people.  Feel free to share it with your own students and children.  

Listen to James and the Giant Peach

I LOVE this recording done by Taika Waititi and other celebrities of James and the Giant Peach.  First of all, I love pretty much any book by Roald Dahl.  I regularly read them to my classes.  They are such fun read alouds with all of the unique and interesting characters whose voices can be so differentiated.  Secondly, this recording is done so well!  I enjoy watching the actors react to each other, play off each other's interpretations, and even their little sidebars are amusing.

I made this little game for my students to find each recording in order so they can listen to a little bit at a time.  

My New Favorite Cookies

I am not a huge cookie eater most of the time.  Usually, I can only eat one, MAYBE two, but then that is enough sweet stuff for me.  I grew up in a very health conscious home so when I first got out on my own, I went a little crazy with the sweets.  I've now cooled down and have a more moderate appreciation for goodies like cookies, cake, pie, and candy.  

A friend of mine shared a recipe on Facebook recently that I had to try. They were called Banana Bread Chocolate Chip Cookies.  I had a plethora of bananas and since my one year old is the only one who eats them at our house, there was no way she was going to get to them before they got all brown and gross.  It looked like a pretty simple recipe so I decided give it a try.  BEST DECISION EVER (unless you are asking my waistline)!!

Click on the picture above to take you to the recipe.  Those are not my cookies... those are the ones from the website.  I don't have the photography skills to show you how mine turned out, but they were pretty close to the same.  I don't put as many chocolate chips in mine and my second batch had a combo of white chocolate, regular chocolate and pecans.  

Anyway, let me tell you about these cookies... They are delectable!  The dough isn't overly sweet and is light and fluffy making them taste like they were made from cake mix.  I don't know if it is the bananas, the sour cream, or what but they have the perfect cookie texture.  The bananas are not overpowering but give you a pleasant and unique flavor, different from your generic chocolate chip cookies.  You can mix and match and whatever sort of extras you want to them and I am sure they would all be delicious.  The first time I just added chocolate chips and they were to die for.  The second time I made them I mixed white and regular chocolate chips and also added crushed pecans.  I literally have to force myself to stop going back for "just one more."  I try to savor each one and make it last, but one is never enough.  

If you are worried about your waistline, then these might not be the cookies for your, but if you are worried at all then why would you be thinking about making cookies?  I, on the other hand, want to enjoy every minute of the rest of my life and I certainly enjoy every second I spend eating one of these.  Everything in moderation, of course, so I won't be making these too often, but you can be sure that I will never go back to regular old chocolate chip cookies again.

Thanks recipes2day.org for my absolute favorite quarantine recipe!

5 Ways to Cope with Teacher Stress

An artificially aged photo of me and absolutely how old I feel on some of my tougher days.

Stress makes you age prematurely, it weakens your immune system, and it takes a toll on your mental health.  I don't pretend to be an expert at dealing with stress well, but it is something I am working on.  After being diagnosed with cancer in 2017, all of the doctors I saw reiterated over and over that stress is a killer and I needed to do everything I could to eliminate it in order to get well.  At the time, that meant taking a leave of absence from teaching to undergo treatment and to heal and recover after the chemo and radiation were over.  I DEFINITELY should have taken more time before returning to work but I felt guily about not going back.  I felt like I should be all better since I'd finished treatment a month and a half prior.  Looking back, I was definitely not all better but c'est la vie.

Back to School Modifications

For those of us in education, we have all started to wonder what school is going to look like in the fall when students return (we hope!) to our campuses.  There will certainly be modifications for social distancing, disinfection, and health standards.  There is so much unknown right now about how Covid-19 is going to progress and change our society that it is hard to plan for anything, much less how school will look in August.  For teachers though, planning is one of those things we must do and so it is a hot topic of conversation.  We are all wondering what to prepare for and not getting any answers.  I would like to theorize about some of the changes that we may be looking at.

What I Learned From Having Cancer

When you are diagnosed with cancer, you face the unknown.  I didn't know that every type of cancer is treated with a different combination of chemo drugs, with different types of administration, different lengths of treatment time, and different schedules.  You don't know how your body will react to the treatment, the lasting side effects, whether the treatment will cause other types of cancer in the future, or whether it will work or not.  It is terrifying and overwhelming.  You start seeing oncologists and they feed you so much information that you can't comprehend because your mind is in a state of shock. 

1.  A second set of ears and eyes!  One important thing I learned was to take someone with me to every appointment who could either take notes or at least be another set of ears to listen and remember what we were being told.  After the appointment we could discuss what information we had heard and what questions it created. 
2.  Write your questions down!  When you go into a doctors appointment and they start talking, it is easy to forget everything you wanted to know about beforehand unless you have a list to discuss with them.  I continue to use this for doctors appointments now for my baby and myself because I still struggle with chemo brain.
3.  "What is chemo brain," you may ask.  Well, that is another thing I learned about.  One of the effects of chemo for me was short term memory loss/lapses.  It was pretty severe for the first 6 months or so where I couldn't even recall conversations I had with people or things they told me.  The number of times my husband would tell me something and then bring it up later when I had zero recollection are too many to count.  It has now been over two years since I completed treatment and I still struggle to remember things at times.  This may have been exacerbated by pregnancy and now postpartum hormones, but I definitely still feel like my short term memory is affected.  I've seen much improvement since the beginning though, especially after doing brain games like Sudoku and Scrabble.
4.  Your hair grows back different!  When my hair first grew back it was curly after I'd had straight or slightly wavy hair my whole life.  I had cute little ringlets for about a year and a half until my hair got long enough to weigh them down and I trimmed them off over time while trying to get some kind of styled haircut. 
5.  The nurses in oncology are amazing!  They put so much care and skill into what they do to make the lives of people who are at their lowest, a little bit better.  The nurses at my oncology clinic, especially those who administered the chemo were some of the kindest, sweetest, most caring women I have ever met.  I often think my job is hard, but I can't imagine how hard it is for them every day to see the struggle of the people around them and not always being able to do something about it.  Losing patients you have formed a bond with, seeing the treatment ravage their bodies and fail, watching people waste away... When I completed chemo they celebrated me like family with a small gift, hugs, and getting to ring the bell at the celebration station. 
6.  One of the biggest things I learned is that stress is a killer.  Every doctor I saw reiterated this over and over again.  Stress wears your body out and when your body is exhausted, your immune system can't work to the best of its ability.  We all have a little cancer in us at one point or another, but most peoples' immune systems are strong enough to fight it off without them being the wiser.  Mine was not and this has really given me a different perspective on how I need to approach things in my life.  It has made me prioritize my family and over my job.  It has made me questions whether the stressors of my job are even worth it.  Although, I have not made any major life changes because of this, I do think about it regularly and evaluate what I can do the alleviate stress in my life.  I expect that larger changes will come as I try to keep myself more grounded.

Best School Supplies for Home Schooling

As a teacher, I have used just about every variety of pencil, marker, scissors, crayons, etc.  Not all are created equal!  I remember in my early days of teaching when I would go and try to purchase supplies for my classroom, I would go for quantity rather than quality because as most teachers do, I was spending my own money.  I quickly realized that it wasn't worth it.  Those cheaper supplies do not last as long, the pencils don't sharpen, the scissors don't cut, and the crayons don't color as smoothly.  Here is a list of my favorite schools supply brands that will work well and last the longest.

1.  Crayola Colored Pencils: Crayola is the best coloring utensil option out there.  These pencils are made of a stronger wood than cheaper brands so when you sharpen them, they actually hold together.  The lead is also stronger so it is less likely to break when you are coloring or when sharpening.  This box has 100 colors so it gives you a nice variety of options.


2.  Scotch Kids Scissors:  These are just the right size for kid hands, they have rubberized padding that make them easier to grip, and the last for a long time.  There are 12 in this pack so keep a few because scissors get lost so easily, and then donate the rest to your child's classroom when the return!  I promise you that their teacher will appreciate it.



3.  Elmer's Glue Sticks:  Kids will go through glue sticks like crazy so a couple will not be enough.  This is a nice pack of 7 that should last you a while.  Kids especially like these ones because the glue is purple but it dries clear.  It makes it easier for them to see where the glue is when they use it and also how much they have used.  I like glue sticks for almost everything because they are way less messy than liqued glue!


4.  Crayola Washable Markers:  I generally buy Crayola for coloring supplies, but with markers it is easier to find other options that work just as well.  I like these specifically because they have the thinner tips for more detailed coloring and they are washable.  If you have kids, then you know how messy they are.  Coloring is not just going to be on their paper, it will get on their hands, on their faces, and perhaps even on furniture or walls.  These markers do not leave permanent stains if you clean them off right away.


5.  Crayola Twistables:  One of my least favorite coloring supplies is crayons because I have too firm of a grip and always break them!  These Twistables help prevent that problem.  The waxy crayon is encased inside a plastic tube and you twist them out as you need them.  These are great and this box comes with 24 colors so you have a nice variety.

6.  Ticondergoa Pencils:  These actually are The World's BEST PENCIL as they claim.  The graphite is smooth and dark, the erasers don't leave marks and actually erase the pencil markings, and they are easy to sharpen without breaking.  Kind of like with colored pencils, not all brands are created equal and these are absolutely top knotch!

5 Things to Do at Home During Quarantine

5 Things to Do at Home During Quarantine 

1.  Grow Butterflies!  This was a fan favorite with my students when I did daily videos or pictures to share with them online.  You can order a super simple kit that gives you everything you need and explains the process in a clear and concise manner.  It takes about two weeks for the whole process to complete and then you can release the butterflies outside.  Shipping is also super quick!  I live in the middle of nowhere and mine still arrived about two days after ordering.  They have other insect options as well, maybe next time I will try ladybugs!  Check out Insect Lore at this link.

2.  Start a Garden!  This was another fun project I did with my students in the beginning of the quarantine.  My favorite way for kids to start a plant is in a ziplock in the window.  You fold the seed (beans work best) into a wet paper towel, place it in a sealed ziplock, and tape it in a window that gets lots of light.  Have your child check it every day to see how it is growing.  When it gets big enough, then you can plant it in soil.  Feel free to try with other seeds as well, I have just had a lot of success with beans.

3.  Write a Book!  This is a great time for you children to get excited about creative writing.  I've used these kits in the classroom and the end results are beautiful!  Pick a topic, do some research, and start writing!  We have written books about make believe animals, real animal reports, and local tree reports.  You can either do it online or order a paper kit.  They are a ton of fun and will be a lasting memory from this time in quarantine.  Why not write about that?!  Check them out here.

4.  Make Art!  Oh, the possibilities are endless!  This, of course, depends on where you live and how old your children are.  Get creative! Use the supplies you have on hand!  One of my favorites is a coffee filter butterfly.  This would tie in really nicely if you grow butterflies at home too.  All you need is two round white coffee filters, markers, water, and a pipe cleaner.  Here is a link to step by step directions.  

5.  Read!  As a teacher, I have to include this one.  It doesn't matter what you read, or if you are reading your child or they are reading to you, just read!  You can do it anywhere and anytime.  You can read paperbacks, hardcovers, e-books, or audiobooks.  You can even read magazines or newspapers.  The more you read, the more vocabulary your child is exposed to and the more they will be interested in reading themselves.  Reading is the base of every educational subject, so it is absolutely the most important.  Scholastic always has a great selection for great prices. 

7 years

It has been almost seven years since I wrote on this blog.  My, how things have changed!  I have changed teaching positions twice since I last wrote, I met the love of my life, I battled and beat cancer, I got married, and I had a baby.  Now we are in the midst of a pandemic and it seemed like the right time to get back to where I left off. 

I still teach in the same general vicinity as I did when I first started this blog, but I am actually more rural now.  The school I teach at got regular electricity for the first time ever a couple of years ago when I first started there.  I teach four grade levels in one classroom but am lucky to have a nice small group of students.  There is only one other teacher at my school and we share a principal with two other schools which range from 45 minutes to over an hour away from us.  Our school is at the end of a 20 mile stretch of a one lane highway.  We are about as far off the beaten path as you can get, and hopefully that means we are all fairly safe from the Covid-19.  It has reached our county but there have not been very many cases and most have now recovered.

I am not really sure where to start with this blogging process again, but I feel like the most interesting thing to have happened over the last 7 years was my battle with cancer and recovery from it.  I was a few weeks away from 30 when I first found the lump under my chin.  It felt like a marble but I wasn't very concerned.  I mean, I was only 29 and healthy after all.  Cancer was the last thing on my mind.  Someone said it could be a clogged salivary gland and that sounded reasonable to me.  I figured it would be a simple fix and no big deal in the end.  Luckily, I did go to the doctor right away to get it checked out.  She started me out on antibiotics which did absolutely nothing, and the lump continued to grow.  When I went back to see her, I was still thinking it couldn't be anything serious.  I was planning a 30th birthday party and a weekend trip with my best friends to the coast, it just seemed like a silly thing to worry about. 

The next step was to visit an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist.  I don't even remember my first visit to him but it resulted in me going in for a biopsy of the lump.  I was still under the impression that it wasn't a big deal so I went alone to the biopsy and while in there getting poked with a massive needle and watching it enter the mass on the ultrasound machine, I started to get a bad feeling.  I left the hospital and went and cried in the car.  I remember texting my two best friends saying that I should not go to these appointments on my own anymore. 

Still, I didn't think that it could possibly be anything that serious.  I felt fine!  I grew up with hippie parents who fed us healthy food and had an active lifestyle.  I hadn't been as healthy as an adult, but I still tried to eat organic, avoid GMOs, and stay fairly active.  Luckily, I took my long term boyfriend with me to the follow up with the Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor.  I just remember feeling bad for the doctor having to break the news to me, practically a stranger who he had no relationship with, that I had Large B Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  I didn't know what that meant and he had to clarify that it was cancer but that he really didn't know any more than that.  I had to go see an oncologist next to find out more. 

My boyfriend and I had plans to get tires rotated, get groceries, and do some other errands while in town after my appointment.  We lived two hours away so trips to town needed to be made the most of.  I went through the rest of the day in a blur.  My boyfriend did his best to keep me distracted and not dwelling on this sudden shock and fear.  It wasn't until we were on our way home that I messaged my closest friends who I had been keeping updated on this medical mystery and called my parents.  They were all shocked, of course, but did not break down while I talked to them.  I am so thankful for that because I was barely holding it together myself and would not have been able to handle it.  That was on October 9th, 2017.  It was a Monday and I went back to school the next day because I thought it would be a good distraction and I didn't want to waste my sick days because I knew I was going to need them down the road.  Several coworkers of mine knew I'd been getting the lump checked out the day before and asked me how it went while I was at the copy machine.  I told them I didn't want to talk about it but was clearly just barely holding it together.  Before the students came, one of our school staff came in to clean my room.  She is a woman who I had known since I was a child so kind of a motherly figure to me.  I was standing in my room, facing away from her looking out the window and trying not to cry.  She saw that I was upset and asked what was wrong.  (I am crying just remembering this moment now.)  I fell apart and told her the news I'd been given and how terrified I was.  She wrapped me in her arms and held me as I cried.  I don't know if I ever told her how much it meant to me having her there in that moment, but that comfort and feeling of love she gave me then will last in my heart forever. 

The next month and a half were a blur.  The doctors wanted me to start treatment as soon as possible since my cancer was a fast growing one.  It was also a cancer typically found in older people so there was very little research on how the treatment would affect someone of my age.  One of my largest concerns was would I be able to have children afterwards.  Both my boyfriend and I wanted kids and had hoped to start a family soon.  I saw several oncologists in my own small town and also got a second opinion at the Stanford Cancer Center.  They all agreed on a treatment plan and fortunately I was only in Stage 2, so we had caught the cancer early.  We consulted with some fertility doctors about preserving eggs but it would have taken too long to wait for the correct time to harvest them, so we took our chances on a shot that would basically put me into menopause during the chemo and radiation treatment.  This way my ovaries would be less active and in turn, the chemo which goes to the most active areas in your body, would hopefully leave them alone. 

I started chemo the day before Thanksgiving that year and taught up until a couple days before that.  It was a hard conversation to have with my students about why I was leaving.  I didn't use the C word, although I did tell their parents in case they wanted to get more specific about it.  I just told the kids that I was sick and was going to be gone for a little while to get treatment.  I told them I would come back as soon as I was better. 

I spent the next few months undergoing treatment, which I really won't get into all the details of other than to say it was extremely difficult but I was also extremely fortunate to have an immediate positive response.  Literally within days, the lump on my neck was shrinking.  I finished treatment mid-February and took another month and a half off of work for recovery.  Looking back, I wish I would have just taken the rest of the year off.  I didn't go straight back into the classroom and instead had a leadership position working with staff on bettering our school district programs and plans.  Despite this, I still pushed myself too hard and took on more than I was physically and mentally ready for.  I did okay, and made it through but looking back I think I would have been better off if I had just taken that time to rest and recover more.  I just remember feeling guilty for even taking as long as I did before going back.  I'd finished treatment, shouldn't I have gone back immediately?  The doctors said I was in remission, so shouldn't I be able to work again?  These were the questions I asked myself and what made me feel guilty about not going back right away. 

Looking back, I realize that I was still suffering pretty severely from chemo brain.  My short term memory was almost non-existent.  I would have conversations with people and then have zero recollection of our conversation later on.  I coped by writing things down as much as I could, but it would have been better for me to not put so much pressure on myself yet.  Shortly before returning to work, my boyfriend proposed so I was also trying to plan a wedding during this time.  Thankfully, my mother was extremely helpful in that process.  We got married in September of 2018 and it was the MOST beautiful wedding I could have ever imagined. 

I had started at a new school in August of 2018, which is another thing I wish I had done differently.  I feel like I told my students that I would be back when I was better, but then I never came back.  We live in a small community and many of them are family so they knew I was okay and I saw them at community functions, but I regret not coming back as their teacher for another year to provide a healthier closure.  If I could go back, I would return to that school to provide my students with the reassurance that their teacher survived and that cancer is not a death sentence.  That you can heal and come back as healthy as you were before. 

Shortly after my wedding in 2018, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby.  We had just really started trying and it happened!  Again, I am tearing up just thinking about what a miracle it is that after everything, I was able to get pregnant so quickly.  In June of 2019, we had a beautiful baby girl who is absolutely perfect in every way.  She has been the easiest baby, after delivery anyway... that experience is a whole different story though!

And now, here we are in April of 2020, sheltering in place, teaching from home, and getting to stay home with my baby girl every day.  This quarantine has been a blessing for me.  I was really struggling this year with being away from my daughter every day, not having the time to give to my students or my family, feeling like I was failing, getting burnt out.  I am so thankful for this time at home to work on my own well-being.  I live in such in isolated area, that it does not feel that abnormal to not see anyone or go anywhere (other than work).  We got internet at our house a couple days before this all started which has actually made me feel even more connected to all my family and friends than I did before. 

Anyway.... That kind of sums up the biggest parts of the last 7 years.  All is well and I look forward to sharing more soon.